A Walking Contradiction

Okay, I’m going to be honest here for a minute. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m 28 and still figuring things out… and that’s okay! Some of you may say “Oh, you’re only 28, you’ve got your whole life to figure it out!” And others, “WOW LADY!!! 28? And you STILL don’t know? I feel sorry for you!…” I get that…probably all too well, because these are the things I tell myself constantly. Here’s the thing, when you have anxiety- your whole day is talking yourself into and out of the random thoughts that pop in your head. You know better, but you can’t help it. It’s exhausting, but I’m worth it.

On a physical level – I’m struggling to lose my baby weight from the twins (born March 2015). I am currently on week 3 of the CIZE program by Shaun T. Most days i’m like YEAH, i’m totally kicking this extra weights @$$, and others, like today I’m at the other end..”you’ve ONLY lost 7 lbs. It’s been 3 weeks. Just give up, it’s not worth it.” See? A walking contradiction…and that’s okay. I will keep going, because I find myself more motivated by the lack of progress than I do discouraged. I will keep feeding my body whole foods and nutrient packed supplements and limit the artificial junk that was never supposed to be made into “food” in the first place. It’s exhausting, but I’m worth it.

On an intellectual level- I find myself torn in two directions when I hear debates on certain topics. Some “hot button” which we won’t get into (this is not the time or place for that), some minuscule and irrelevant. When you’re younger you think you have it all figured out…you’re SO SURE of the things you know…but then…life happens…you SEE things, you experience things…you get married, or buy a house, or start a family…or there’s a traumatic event that happens, or a death…and these things that you thought you knew all of a sudden don’t make any sense. You look back at things you did, or said, and you can’t even stand your old self. “Who WAS that?” you think. You shy away from certain conversations because you don’t know HOW you feel anymore. It’s not so black and white. You see both sides of the story. Maybe I’m not supposed to know? It has affected my confidence in ways I’ve not experienced before…but I’m working on getting it back. I do know that my position on many topics is one of empathy. I do know that LOVE and EQUALITY and JUSTICE will ALWAYS be my heart’s deciding factors. I do know that where there is an injustice, I will be the first person to stand up and say something. I may not KNOW things, but I FEEL, and maybe that should be enough, and maybe I should learn to appreciate that about myself… that I feel deeply. It’s exhausting, but it’s worth it.

I DO know that I was fearfully and wonderfully made, that I was a lost and lonely sinner and by some amazing miracle I was saved by grace, by Love Himself.  I was created to pour that love & light into the world around me. That I’m sure of. I know that I am undeserving and broken, but through His love I am made whole. My heart knows, my soul knows. And in these moments of anxiety, I will let that be enough. il_fullxfull.559429966_bk2m

2 thoughts on “A Walking Contradiction

  1. Beautiful and eloquently said. You seem to know and feel more than many people much older than you. Keep your light shining inside and out! I love reading your blogs!

    1. Thank you! Sometimes I feel silly writing about myself, but if I can help other people see that they’re not alone, or even give another perspective, then it’s not about me anymore. That’s my ultimate goal.

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